Pride
“You can do anything.” Said to me not as a generic affirmation, but to remind me: I am better than others.
“You’re so well behaved.” Another mark. Those other kids? They cause trouble and get bad grades. I’m better than them.
Skip two grades. A, A, A, B, A. The B is a failure. I’m better than this. I can’t let that happen again.
“You’re worth nothing.” The other message. “Pride cometh before the fall.” Don’t be prideful. “Pride is the first sin.” Don’t sin. “You can’t not sin.” I sinned. “You are dirty, unlovable, repulsive to God.” I am filthy. “Never forget that you deserve hell.” I won’t.
Quick! Hide my pride, before they see. I am worth nothing, I can’t forget that. I am worth nothing. I am worth nothing. I am better than everyone else. I am worth nothing. I am worth nothing. I am worth nothing. I am better than everyone else. I am worth nothing. I am worth nothing. I am worth nothing. I am worth nothing. I am worth nothing. I am better than everyone else. I am worth nothing. I am worth nothing. I am worth nothing. I am worth nothing. I am worth nothing. I am worth nothing. I am worth nothing. I am worth nothing. I am better than everyone else. I am worth nothing. I am worth nothing. I am worth nothing. I am worth nothing. I am worth nothing. I am worth nothing. I am worth nothing. I am worth nothing. I am worth nothing. I am worth nothing. I am worth nothing. I am worth nothing. I am worth nothing. I am better than everyone else. I am worth nothing. I am worth nothing. I am worth nothing. I am worth nothing. I am worth nothing. I am worth nothing. I am worth nothing. I am worth nothing. I am worth nothing. I am worth nothing. I am worth nothing. I am worth nothing. I am worth nothing. I am worth nothing. I am worth nothing. I am worth nothing. I am worth nothing. I am worth nothing. I am worth nothing. I am worth nothing.
Ana whispers in my ear. “You are special.” The first kind voice in my head in years. The relief is overwhelming. I’m worth something! “You are better than them.” Aren’t I?
Don’t forget, I am worth nothing.
I am worth everything. Nothing. Everything. Nothing.
Never something. Everything or nothing, pick one. I can’t.
My psyche picks, and Ana offers relief. Ana picks, and it feels disgusting. Pride feels so gross. Back to my psyche.
Pride remains. Suppressed or dominant, I can’t escape it.